The rational majority of Earth’s population was not left in shock on May 21, 2011, as the theory of worldwide destruction of all non-Christians was proven false. There were no worldwide earthquakes and all Christians did not ascend into heaven.
However, the main perpetrator of the Rapture, 90-year old Christian radio host Harold Camping, has been left silenced without any clue about why the rapture did not occur until now. His research has finally traced the problem to the root of the cause – the punk rock record label, Paper+Plastick. Camping explained the lack of events:
“Yes, it was a confusing time. For a moment, I even felt betrayed. But I have discovered what truly occurred, and I have good news. The rapture is still on its way as the good Lord intended it. It was just held up by Paper+Plastick’s webstore. God is unsure why they listed the worldwide rapture for pre-order before they had a rapture in stock. But personally, I hope they enjoy the bowels of hell.”
Paper+Plastick responded on their blog.
“Okay, fuck off, old man. This shit is ridiculous. Yes, we have had problems in the past. But we dropped District Lines. We stopped taking pre-orders on records we don’t have in hand. We’ve hired more help for orders. And we’ve stopped shipping empty boxes. Things are better now. And you’re 90 goddamn years old! Why the fuck should anyone listen to you? Seriously, fuck off. It’ll ship soon. And no you cannot have an order confirmation number.”
Camping replied on his radio show.
“I swear to you-know-who, if you send me another empty box with a note saying my rapture is out of stock, I will be on the Pop Punk Message Board SO FAST to complain. Because that totally will accomplish something. Also, God would like to know if there are any more Mikey Erg heart-shaped LPs, and if so, if he can use his store credit for one. Or the mislabeled Dopamines/Dear Landlord split. He’s pretty sure he can flip it on eBay.”