Video game enthusiast shocked to discover Goldfinger’s “Superman” is longer than 2:00

Video game enthusiast shocked to discover Goldfinger’s “Superman” is longer than 2:00


Sometimes, it just takes one piece of news to change someone for the rest of their life. For some kids, it’s learning that Santa isn’t real. For Luke Skywalker, it was discovering that Darth Vader was his father. But for 15-year old Krysta Moyer, this was bigger than all of that.

Like every American child with parents willing to fork out for a Nintendo 64 or a PlayStation to win their child’s affection, Moyer had spent her childhood indoors, away from people, and glued to a television screen, engrossed in kickflipping her way to inconveniently placed VHS cassettes all over an unusually large high school campus, the streets of San Francisco, and a sketchy warehouse with no entrance or exit, all thanks to the classic video game, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

Moyer knew her typical evening spent on YouTube was going to be special when she saw Goldfinger’s “Superman” show up as a “related video” of a video of a dog skateboarding. Eager to hit that small bong of nostalgia, she clicked on the video link and prepared herself for the catchiest two minutes of third-wave ska ever recorded by mankind.

As it loaded, a smile grew on her face, as she could already hear the rousing “ba da da da ba ba… da da da da ba da…” horn line in her head. But Moyer is an observant girl, and she noticed something was very wrong. She disregarded that the video wasn’t uploaded from an official band account. She ignored the poor 240p video resolution. She was even able to forgive the 168 dislikes on the video, knowing they meant to click the “like” button but were probably just too excited and clicked the wrong button. But one detail stood out.

“Wait, why’s it say 3:05 long? That’s weird, the player must be broken. Or it’s one of those videos with that awful drawn-out Windows Movie Maker blue intro screen flashing the song name, like it’s not already written all over the fucking page,” she confessed were her first thoughts. But something didn’t seem right, and despite her initial pleasure hearing the song again, as it neared the 2:00 mark, she began pacing nervously around her room.

“I just don’t get what’s going on. There’s more to this song?” she recollects thinking. “I mean, I know if you keep a combo going after time runs out then you hear a little more, but it’s not like you can really do that for more than five or ten seconds. And I’m usually too in the zone to notice, anyway. Wow. This is weird.”

One week later, Krysta has come to terms with the situation with another smile on her face. “I mean, it’s all good now. The last part of the song fits in really well, almost like it was always meant to be there. But I don’t really understand why anyone would bother starting a third wave ska band.  I don’t even think there were any more of these games, and there’s no reason for this kind of music to exist otherwise.”

(Editor’s note: There have been thirteen sequels in the Tony Hawk franchise.)

Goldfinger could not be reached for comment.

  • dave

    Haha yes!!!!

  • Haha good stuff… This is almost better than The Onion